What Was Up With Ben Affleck On Bill Simmons Show Last Night?

Last night was the premiere of Bill Simmons’ Show. Which is its name, by the way. Him trying to make this Any Given Wednesday thing work is a joke. The show is called the Bill Simmons Show, dude. Anyway, the story wasnt Bill Simmons at all. The story was Ben Affleck. What the fuck was that all about? He had to be drunk or fucked up on something. He just looked fucking bizarre up there, no? He looked like he was in a movie playing a fat person with a fat face suit on. Like fat makeup to make you look older. Like when they do a flash forward to the main character 30 years in the future and you gotta make him look like he put on that old man weight. He looks like he got stung by a bee and had an allergic reaction right before he went on set. And then he just said “fuck” about 600 times and looked like he was ready to murder someone. I mean I guess thats what Deflategate did to you guys up in Boston? Stressed you out so goddam much you put on depression weight and started slurring your words and shit? The weirdest part was how Affleck’s upper lip didnt move at all. It was just his jaw bouncing up and down while he dropped another F bomb looking like a fat ventriloquist dummy. That was just straight up wacky.

And then he started telling the story about how his career dipped so low that he was a punchline for Arli$$, which is, in fact, very low. But Ben Affleck forever and always got to fuck Jennifer Lopez. And that alone is enough for me to never ever ever ever feel bad for him. Take away the Oscar, take away the money. Take away everything else. That dude still had Jennifer Lopez’s ass banging off of him during doggystyle sex. You conquered life Ben. Plain and simple.

As for the Simmons show, I thought it was VERY underwhelming. And thats not the hater in me with some Barstool/Boston axe to grind. Thats Pres’ deal. As a matter of fact I often find myself rooting for Simmons to spite Dave. I’m mostly indifferent towards him. I liked Page 2 way back when and then fell off. But I was interested in this show since this is the same thing we are trying to accomplish and let me tell you – whatever that was, it was not “it.” Opening up with a debate about whether Lebron is top 10 or top 3? How stale of a topic is that? And a pointless discussion really. Its unanswerable and all subjective and really, not important, when you think about it. And then to follow it up with DELFATEGATE??? That makes debating Lebron on the all time list look as fresh as can fucking be. We talked about Deflategate more than anyone on earth but I’ll be the first to tell you those Rundowns always SUCK. Dave is the only one who likes them. For Simmons to fall back on that for episode 1 is a bad look. I mean if it wasnt for Affleck’s fat drunk ass that would have been the single most boring sports programing I’ve ever seen. We all make fun of Hot Take Culture but at least they rile you up and give you something to talk about. What we saw from Simmons was melted vanilla ice cream in the sun. Just blah. Its a shame too. He could have done a whole episode on JR Smith alone. The Old Simmons would have had a zillion funny comparisons and analogies. Some great jokes about him and his career. Instead he just went cookie cutter. Which, to be honest, is fine. Not every show can be a home run. But for your FIRST one? When the whole world was watching? Gotta bring the heat more than that.

The best way I can sum up the Simmons show is that its gonna be the TV show that your lame coworkers talk about. When you’re in the elevator with them and they say “Did you see the Simmons show?? How great was that! When he said “fuck” I couldnt believe i!” Im sure it will crush in the ratings and be very successful but its the show that old people are going to like because they think its cool and hip.